tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC September 1, 2015 12:37am-1:38am PDT
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- anderson cooper, from "mistress america" actress, greta gerwig, comedian, tig notaro, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] all right, in that case, let's get to the news. donald trump said today that he has made up with fox news over his controversial comments towards megyn kelly. and if there's anything trump
and fox are great at, it's making things up. [ laughter ] [ light laughter ] bristol palin announced on her blog today that she is supporting donald trump for president. she said she wasn't planning to, but it just kind of happened. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] hillary clinton pushed back against donald trump's claim that she went to his wedding because of donations. and said she actually attended because she thought it'd be fun. added hillary, "am i saying that right? fun?" [ laughter ] "i like to have fun." police in brazil are looking for hackers responsible for broadcasting 15 minutes worth of hardcore porn on monitors in a bus station. [ laughter ] the people in the brazilian bus station were disgusted, and then the porn came on. [ laughter and applause ] "this couldn't get any worse."
researchers have started tracking elias, a 7 foot hammerhead shark spotted off the jersey shore. they're worried about an attack, but say that unfortunately he may be a few years too late. [ laughter ] where were you when we needed you, elias? [ applause ] elias. donald trump said today that nobody knows politics like he does. said rick perry, "i does." [ laughter ] "what about i?" kim kardashian posted a naked picture of herself on instagram this morning in an effort to prove that she really is pregnant and also because it's titty butt tuesday. [ laughter and applause ] tbt, that's what tbt stands for. now you all know. [ light laughter ] a 20-year-old in switzerland set fire to a ferrari given to him by his father yesterday in hopes
of using the insurance money to upgrade to a better model. then, in the same spirit, the father set fire to his son. [ laughter ] according to a new survey, "moist," is the number one word women find most unpleasant. [ laughter ] and when he heard this, donald trump said, "okay, i'll try to work it in." [ laughter ] [ trump impression ] "bobby jindal gave a very moist performance at the debate." [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] see, it worked. [ light laughter ] [ trump impression ] "incredibly moist. i felt i had dryness for the entire performance, but the other nine guys were very moist." [ laughter ] and finally, a semi-truck overturned in florida today and covered a highway in cans of bud light. it was the best day in florida since -- it was the best day in florida. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band!
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how we doing, 8g band? so good to see you. fred, so great to have you back. our second day having you back. >> fred: yeah. >> seth: such an honor to have you here. so wonderful. you have been filming "portlandia" season 6. it's been a long period of time i haven't seen you. and it's always such a delight when i see you, because you always have these new things going on. i'm always so impressed. i do worry a little bit that you sometimes make things up to try to impress me more, and you don't have to do that because i'm so impressed with all of your actual accomplishments, that you wouldn't have to -- [ laughter ] but anyway, i heard you saying back stage that you started a new delivery app for new york city and -- is this true? >> fred: that's exactly right. [ laughter ] >> seth: so what does this app deliver if i use this app? >> fred: it doesn't deliver anything. what we do is -- you call for us, right?
and we show up at your apartment and we ask you, "how did you like the app?" how -- [ laughter ] you know, in a rating from one to five. were we here quickly? did we find the right address? you know? the capabilities of the actual app, i mean, was it easy to use, hard to use? >> seth: okay, so i use the app -- >> fred: yeah. >> seth: so i guess i'm entering my address? >> fred: yes, and you'll say, "okay,i want like pad thai" or "i want you know, a carpet --" >> seth: oh, so i do think i'm getting something. >> fred: yes. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> fred: and, you know. a carpet, or whatever. wallpaper, whatever it is. and then we show up. >> seth: on the app is there a way to click for both pad thai and wallpaper? >> fred: yes. it's separate, but yes. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, so then you show up. you don't have either of those things. >> fred: not at all. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay. and you -- what do i rate it on? a one to five? a one to ten? >> fred: yeah. we do a one to five. and then one to seven if you think it was really great. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, now based on the fact -- look, even if the app was great
and the interface is great, and even if you showed up super fast, i can't imagine -- if you didn't have the thing that i'd ordered i would give you anything above a one. >> fred: yeah, but i don't ask you that question. [ laughter ] i ask if we were here quickly, and if the app worked well. that's all i ask you. >> seth: gotcha. [ laughter ] >> fred: i'm not interested in whether you got what you wanted. >> seth: and just for those of us, who -- i can't imagine why -- for those of us that want to use it, what's this app called? >> fred: it's called "the police station." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's a terrible name. it's a terrible name. give it up for fred armisen, everybody. >> fred: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth:you guys, we have great guests for you tonight. from cnn, anderson cooper is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] the most handsome man in news, anderson cooper. also from the new film "mistress america," greta gerwig is with us this evening. [ cheers and applause ] so excited to talk to her. and one of my favorite comedians, tig notaro is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] here to talk about her new hbo special. we mentioned in the monologue -- after complaining that he had
been treated unfairly at last thursday's g.o.p. debate, donald trump ignored fox news over the weekend and instead did a number of interviews with rival networks. this lead many to ask, "is there about to be a war between fox news chairman roger ailes and donald trump?" will they shun him for his treatment of megyn kelly or will trump boycott the network and continue to drive a wedge between himself and the g.o.p. well don't worry you guys. everything is okay. as trump tweeted yesterday, "roger ailes just called. he is a great guy and assures me that 'trump' will be treated fairly on fox news. his word is always good." and only trump would put his own name in quotes. [ laughter ] this mending of fences between fox and trump allowed for this touching reunion on fox and friends this morning. >> he's back! donald trump joins us on the line. donald, good morning to you. glad you're back with us, and glad we're friends again. >> well, we are friends, steve. we've always been friends. and it's great to be back with you. [ sobbing ]
>> seth: they've always been friends. [ laughter ] doocey and the trump, they're best pals. for the record, the last time trump had been on "fox and friends" was last friday, so it had only been four days. [ laughter ] but watching that got me to thinking, does anyone -- is there anyone calls into more shows than donald trump? it's never in person. he's always on the phone. just take a look. >> joining me on the phone, is the man at the center of it all, the republican frontrunner, donald trump. >> i'm joined now on the phone, from new york by donald trump. >> on the phone, donald trump. >> donald trump on the phone. >> donald trump joins us by phone. >> donald trump joins us on the phone. >> donald trump joins us on the phone. >> we have a phone call from somebody, let me see who it is on the phone. >> good morning, darlings. [ laughter ] >> seth: and since he is never there in person, we always have to look at these weird stills while he's talking. here he is on abc. here's nbc. here's cnn. [ laughter ] but that's not the face he's actually making. first of all he is probably on a bluetooth. excuse me, a gold tooth. [ laughter ] but what is he doing when he's on these calls?
is he standing in front of a wall of tvs waiting for someone to mention his name? is he putting golf balls into one of those sharper image things that shoots the golf ball back? is he lying face down on a massage table while two women hit him on the back with bamboo sticks? we want to know what donald trump is doing when he's on the phone. does anyone here have any ideas? what he might be doing, anyone? >> yeah, i have an idea. >> seth: yeah? >> when i hear donald trump on the phone, i picture him in the back of a limo, but not a new one. a square limo from the '80s, the kind you take to prom. [ laughter ] his phone is big and bulky. and while he's talking his assistant is holding up different ties and trump is either giving thumb's up or a thumbs down. but mostly thumbs down. [ laughter ] >> seth: see, fantastic. that's exactly what i'm talking about. yeah, ma'am i see you had your hand up. >> i picture him on an iphone 9. and i know that doesn't exist yet, but i still think he has one. also, he's staring into a mirror. and even though he is full on bluster and confidence on the phone, the face in the mirror is different. it is one of doubt and fear.
[ light laughter ] and slowly, very slowly, a tear forms and runs down his cheek while he mouths to his reflection "who am i?" [ laughter ] 'cause who is he? [ laughter ] >> seth: that's a really good one. yes, you, sir. >> i picture him standing on top of the trump tower looking over the city that he has built. he's holding the phone to his ear and he's just whizzing like crazy on all the garbage people walking on the streets below. [ laughter ] and he's laughing. oh,yes. he's laughing like a madman. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's great. so anyways, we here at late night would love to know what everyone else thinks trump is doing. so tweet your ideas to @latenightseth #trumpphone. we'd love to get your thoughts. and we either will or won't read them on air. we'll be back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. these days slang terms are evolving so fast that sometimes it's hard to keep up. so we here at "late night" decided to give you a little primer in a segment we're calling "seth explains teen slang." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] our first slang term is turnt. [ light laughter ] many of you probably heard the term "turnt" at a concert or a
party. what does it actually mean? well it actually means hyped up, extremely drunk or horny. for example, "i am pretty sure this molly is laced with meth, we about to get turnt." [ laughter ] now that's a term you probably heard before. but there's some new terms that are just now becoming popular. for example, here's a new one called netflix. let's see the definition. when you thought you were only gonna eat one of something but then you ate a bunch. [ laughter ] for example, "i opened a bag of oreos and i totally netflixed it." [ laughter ] [ applause ] up next, it's chris crispy. let's see the definition. the biggest chicken mcnugget in an order of 20. [ laughter ] for example, "dude you can have all of the fries at the bottom of the bag but i get chris crispy." [ laughter ] [ applause ] very helpful, comes in handy. up next, it's taking a smellfie. let's see what it means.
to sniff your armpit and check to see if your deodorant is holding up. let's see it in a sentence. i totally caught a guy on the subway taking a smellfie. [ laughter ] now this is important. this is not to be confused with taking a smellfie selfie, which is to take a selfie while you're taking a smellfie. and i think we actually have an example of this from instagram. yeah, there you go. [ laughter ] moving on, it's going trumpy. let's see what it means. when your parents flip out because you're dating a mexican guy. [ audience ohs ] for example, "i introduced my dad to josé and he totally went trumpy." [ laughter ] up next, this is a really helpful one, it's guantanamo bae. and the definition, a girl you have been trying to break up with for years but you can't seem to do it. [ laughter ] for example, "i want to tell becky that we're over but it is never the right time. she's my guantanamo bae." [ laughter ]
up next it's lfdsd. this is very helpful because instead of having to say the whole thing, it is an abbreviation for livin' for dat seltzer, dog. let's see it in a sentence. "bro, i can't wait to go home after school and chug some bubbles, i'm just lfdsd, #schweppeslife." [ light laughter ] that was your favorite one? okay, got it. [ light laughter ] lfdsd, that's the one that's going to take off after this? okay, cool. you're all nodding. good, good, good, good, good, good. last guy. great. okay. up next, shoe-psie. let's see what it means. when you wear the wrong kind of shoe to an event. for example, "tiffany wore heels to this lawn party and now she keeps getting caught in the grass, shoe-psie." [ laughter ] not sure if you saw this. but lenny kravitz made headlines recently when he split his pants on stage and accidentally exposed himself to the audience. which brings us to our last term, kravitz. let's see the definition.
it's when a dick shows up unexpectedly -- [ laughter ] as in, "lupe's quinceañerawas was great until jared's dad kravitzed. [ laughter ] now he's totally going trumpy." that was "seth explains teen slang." we'll be right back with anderson cooper. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm angela, and i quit smoking with chantix. for ten long years i was ready to quit. but i couldn't do it on my own. i needed help and chantix was there. and i did it. along with support, chantix (varenicline) is proven to help people quit smoking. it reduces the urge to smoke. some people had changes in behavior, thinking or mood, hostility, agitation, depressed mood and suicidal thoughts or actions while taking or after stopping chantix. some had seizures while taking chantix. if you have any of these, stop chantix and call your doctor right away. tell your doctor about any history of mental health problems, which could get worse or of seizures. don't take chantix if you've had a serious allergic
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: so lovely to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> seth: i feel as though this super early election cycle is very good for people like me who do comedy but it's also very good for people like you. >> your entire show has basically been donald trump tonight so far. >> seth: it's been lovely. and i got to be honest, last night, same thing. i got about 360 days or so -- >> although you're on his enemies list, aren't you? >> seth: i am on his enemies list. he's never forgiven me for -- >> the washington correspondent dinner. >> seth: yeah. >> and then i remember it like -- it was months or years later when you got this show, i think he was the first person to tweet you congratulations. you remember what he tweeted? >> seth: i remember it was something about -- [ as trump ] >> "seth meyers is a loser." [ laughter ] "he garbles his words. how'd he get a show?" >> seth: it was wonderful. it was instantaneous. >> oh, i know. yeah, yeah. >> seth: at that moment where i was -- he knew that that would be when i was looking. >> right, yeah. >> seth: i get a show and i'm
like -- [ talking over each other ] >> seth: "his ratings are going to be garbage." [ laughter ] he always says -- the thing he always says about me is i have marbles in my mouth. which is so great because it's something like a 1950s bully would say. [ laughter ] [ as trump ] "you got marbles in your mouth. what's wrong, can't get the marbles out of your mouth?" he must have attacked you in the past. >> um, i've interviewed him twice so far this -- season -- >> seth: in person. you did a -- >> yeah. >> seth: you actually got him -- yeah. [ laughter ] >> it's true. but what's interesting is i am only allowed in the lobby of the trump tower. that's where i -- i actually interview him at the bar. the trump bar, at the trump tower. >> seth: wow. >> and yeah. so -- which i think serves a duel purpose 'cause one, it's like a free ad for trump tower. so i think people who are watching and want to visit new york they are more encouraged to go to trump tower. and also, large crowds gather and then after you're done interviewing, he will go and talk to the crowd, cause he's a man of the people, and the last time i talked to him, he left kind of annoyed because of something i asked him.
he came back, then he took me, introduced me to the crowd, and i was like, "okay, we're done, i got to go." and then he came back to me with three people from the crowd. he's like, "they're from south america. they like me. they're from south america." [ laughter ] and there were these three guys who were like, "we're very excited to be here." [ laughter ] they didn't know what the hell was going on. >> seth: cameras, cameras. now do you -- a lot of people are saying look, at this time in the election cycle there have been are other fringe candidates who have been at the top of the polls, michele bachmann last time out. do you think there's there any truth to donald trump being the same as sort of one of those michele bachmann type candidates? >> um, you think he's a fringe candidate? he's leading the g.o.p. race. >> seth: well, she was leading around this time. i mean, there have been leaders. >> i don't think you can compare. i think donald trump defies the laws of political gravity at this point. and michele bachmann, her star rose quickly but it fell quickly as well. donald trump has the money to back up, you know, whatever he
wants to do, and he tapped into something very powerful. you know, your job is to make fun of him, but that's not my job. my job is -- i take all candidates seriously. and so i actually like talking to donald trump, i like interviewing him. it's rare that you talk to a politician who doesn't come with a huge entourage, which ironically trump does not. he just kind of shows up in the lobby of his own building admittedly. [ laughter ] but you know, he'll like, pump his fist to the crowd. he shows up, sits down. there's nobody telling you to wrap it up after ten minutes. and he, you know, says what's on his mind, whether you agree with it or not. and he attacks you in the process which is always entertaining. [ light laughter ] >> seth: now -- it's interesting you say that, because of course i feel like the other candidates now are starting to complain about the media's fixation on donald trump, but they're the opposite. so many of them are the candidates you would say are less interesting to talk to. they're obviously on a script, they're trying to get to talking points -- >> yeah, it's like somebody wants to come to your show and only pitch their movie, and only talk about their movie. it is not that fun to talk to. so i mean -- look, we're very early in the season.
there's a long time before even the first, you know, primary race. so there's gonna be plenty of time for a lot of people to get attention and whether trump has lasting power, whether he wants to stay in all the way, all that is up in the air. but he is doing incredibly well. >> seth: he is doing incredibly well. the other thing that i am constantly impressed by is when he angrily tweets at people, sometimes the hours he keeps are insane. >> oh. oh, like just -- at megyn -- like after the fox debate, which has got to be an exhausting experience. >> seth: sure. >> 2:00 a.m., 2:35 a.m., 4:00 a.m. >> seth: yeah, and he's -- [ as trump ] >>"she's a loser." [ laughter ] "she should hang out with seth meyers." [ laughter ] >> seth: i'd like to think that he's -- you know like when you're asleep, and you wake up and you have a great idea, all his ideas are, "someone's a loser!" [ light laughter ] >> right, right. i just keep imagining his wife being like, "honey, get off the twitter." you know or whatever. like, what is going on? i mean, really, at 4:00 a.m. he's tweeting. >> seth: and he seems to know every negative thing.
>> everything. he knows -- he is watching right now -- >> seth: oh, i'm sure. >> on some monitor somewhere. >> seth: i don't think we're gonna change his mind about what he thinks -- >> oh no. right now he's probably tweeting "that seth meyers just confirmed it, he's a loser." [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] "you see that loser cooper on that loser meyer's show? what a waste of time." >> seth: are you surprised? >> no, when i -- i've aired an interview with him that went on for 40 minutes, he was tweeting about the interview while it was airing. and then i had a guest on right after who had written a book about trump who trump hates and trump is tweeting about the guest while the guest is on. "that guy knows nothing, he is a loser." [ laughter ] >> seth: he's definitely taking the edge off "loser," because at some point you look at who he's called losers and it's great company. you're like, "oh my goodness. [ laughter ] i can't believe -- i've never -- i didn't really think i'd accomplished that much." [ applause ] one of the more interesting candidates who i feel like eventually is going to get more attention is bernie sanders, who's drawing huge crowds right now.
[ applause ] >> 28,000 people showed up in new hampshire yesterday, 9,000 couldn't even fit into the auditorium. >> seth: are you willing to think that he could actually be a challenge to hillary or do you think it is a foregone conclusion with hillary? how do you think that's gonna shake up? >> i don't think anything is a foregone conclusion. i mean, i think a lot of people thought hillary clinton was the foregone conclusion back in 2008 and that certainly didn't turn out to be the case. so i think it would be really interesting to see if joe biden enters the race, whether that will have any kind of an impact. look, i think there are some clinton supporters who are concerned about her on the campaign trail. she's -- a lot people that know her say that she's not necessarily a natural candidate, doesn't come as naturally as say to former president clinton campaigning. but she's a formidable talent. she's an incredibly smart person. and i don't know her well, i talked to her couple times, interviewed her a couple times. but she would be a very strong candidate obviously. >> seth: they definitely -- at
some point the democrats are gonna have to do something crazy or else no one's gonna watch their debates. i feel like -- [ laughter ] everyone's like, "when's the next g.o.p. debate?" i want to see that again. you have -- >> or every question will be about trump. >> seth: i know that -- the best. now you are a very good friends with andy cohen. >> yes. we go way back. >> seth: now you guys went on tour for his last book, right? >> we -- i did an interview with him for his last book. and it was so much fun. we decided to take it on the road. so andy and i now every month or so go -- we book a theater somewhere and he and i like kibitz on a stage in front of a sold out crowd and it's incredibly fun. and everybody in the audience seems to get drunk. [ light laughter ] it's like hanging out with us for a night. we're gonna be in washington, columbus, minneapolis coming up. >> seth: what's it like being on the road with andy? >> it is interesting cause he's -- i never thought to have a rider in my contract, i wasn't familiar with what a rider was. but he, having interviewed so many like rock stars and stuff -- >> seth: so a rider meaning like this is what i need in order to
show up. >> right, i want marshmallows in my dressing room. >> seth: got it. >> and andy has very strict demands, he wants boiled chicken, and crudités, i don't know what crudités are. but they are there. he wants bottles of tequila wherever he goes, jars of ice, and nobody touches this stuff except he drinks the tequila. and now he started to make me do a shot before i go out. but the last time i was like, "let's cut this out, 'cause it just seems wasteful." he is like, "no, it is a rider. this is what you do when you are on tour." [ laughter ] >> seth: i will say, it's very rock star except for the boiled chicken. that to me is yeah. [ laughter ] i want tequila, i want -- >> although the stones now are probably doing, like, ensure. >> seth: that's why they're still -- [ laughter ] that's why they're still touring, right. >> exactly. [ applause ] >> seth: did you guys have -- like when you do a show, since you have the rockstar rider, do you party, do you have after parties? >> the whole thing is designed where andy wants to go out
afterwards. that's how we decide what city to go to. so we were in miami, we were in boston, chicago, atlanta, we're doing washington coming up, minneapolis, columbus, all fun cities to go out in -- says andy. and andy goes days in advance and susses it out, susses out the scene. in miami, i get down there -- he had been there four days already staying at the delano hotel, which is like the set of a real housewives episode. and he is like, "meet me by the pool." before i even checked in, i get down to the pool, he's holding court -- he knows everybody at the pool. he knows all their back story. he's like, "that's joey from staten island. he is here with his wife, but i think he may be gay." [ laughter ] i was like "how do you know all these people?" he was like "come sit." i was like, "i am not gonna sit with you at this pool in a middle of this reunion episode and hold court here." it was just -- i hid in my room until it was show time. >> seth: well, i feel like anybody who has a chance to see you guys on stage together, they'll be missing out if they didn't. >> it's actually really fun, it's a good time. >> seth: thanks so much for
being here. great to see you as always. anderson cooper everyone. [ cheers and applause ] "anderson cooper 360" airs weekday nights on cnn. we'll be right back with greta gerwig. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ verizon now has one simple plan. just pick a size. small, medium, large and extra large. if you need less data, pick small. if you need more, go with extra large-- a whopping 12 gigs for $80 a month plus $20 per phone. pick a size. change it up anytime. it's the simple way to get the best network. and now, get $300 when you switch. only at verizon. and this is such thia good movie too.te night. at the end when it's revealed the grandmother did it...
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. our next guest is a talented actress who has appeared in films like "greenberg" and "frances ha." she is the star and co-writer of the upcoming movie "mistress america," which opens in select cities this friday. let's take a look. >> i'm impressed, brooke. it takes a lot of moxie to start a restaurant. >> thanks. >> you're doing it, babe. you're out there, doing something besides amassing and hoarding money. >> if i could figure out how to amass and hoard money, i'd do it. >> well, you could have married me or a dozen other guys, but you wanted to be your own person. >> yeah, no, i'm over that now. >> you're funny, 'cause you don't know you're funny. >> i know i'm funny, there's nothing i don't know about myself. that's why i can't do therapy. >> seth: please welcome greta gerwig! ♪ [ applause ]
>> seth: how are you? >> good, hi. >> seth: so lovely to have you. i'm so excited about this. >> me too. >> seth: this is -- also i'm excited for this movie. this is the second movie you've written with noah baumbach. >> it is. >> seth: and it's very interesting because they're both films about two women, but it's not movies about falling in love with a man or romance, it's just about two women, really. >> it's all ladies all the time. i mean, there are men in the movie and they're great. >> seth: right. there was in the clip, so we saw it, yeah. >> michael chernus, he's incredible. but we make movies about ladies and their problems. >> seth: well, that's lovely. i'm so glad you're doing that. >> yeah. >> seth: i have to ask, because you live in times square in the film. >> yes. >> seth: now did you -- 'cause i have been working near times square forever, i don't know anyone who lives in times square. do you know anyone who lives in times square? >> no, we don't. we thought it would be funny to shoot it like a neighborhood, like a just regular neighborhood. [ laughter ] >> my neighborhood is times square.
>> seth: was it hard to shoot in times square? >> yes. because every time you'd stop shooting, you'd look around and there would be all these billboards and ad things, "like sun's out, buns out," and stuff like that. [ laughter ] >> seth: and that made it difficult. >> yeah. because then you would be like, "i'm just looking at those buns." [ laughter ] we'd be like, we're shooting the movie! >> seth: so just various things, like buns can throw you off for hours. >> all the crew members are like, oh. [ laughter ] >> seth: you studied here in new york. >> yes. >> seth: you've lived in new york for a long time as an actress. >> yes. >> seth: i think we share a heartbreak. because you never have been on "law and order." >> i have never been on "law and order." >> seth: you really wanted it. >> yes. but did you audition? >> seth: i didn't audition. i met people on "law and order" and i just asked them to put me in it. >> and they didn't. [ laughter ] >> seth: and they didn't. >> see, i auditioned. >> seth: how many times did you audition? >> at least three. >> seth: wow, and did you -- now you're a big fan of the show. >> i mean, i've seen every incarnation of "law and order."
i curate all different iterations of the theme song. because every time they make a spinoff, the theme song gets crazier. it's the same basic song, but by the time they did "law and order l.a." it was like, french horns and a trumpet. [ laughter ] so it was like, beep beep bew, beep beep bew bew bew. and it was like really exciting. >> seth: i like the idea they come to dick wolf and they say, "maybe a new theme song?" he goes, "no, it has to be the same, but you can mess with it a little." >> he's like, "just add timpani!" [ laughter ] >> seth: how did your audition go? did you get feedback? >> they said -- yeah, they said i didn't sound like, it's just. they said it sounded like i was making fun of the material. >> seth: oh, no. [ laughter ] >> and i said, "there is no one who takes this more seriously than me." [ laughter ] i am your person. >> seth: what would be your dream part on "law and order"? >> okay, my dream part is like, at the beginning -- >> seth: yeah. >> okay, when they find the
body, but like i want to be the people doing another unrelated thing, like, "oh come on, let's go skinny dipping, no one will know." and he's like, "no.' and i'm like "yeah, come on, billy." and he's like "no, seriously, there's a body." [ laughter ] >> seth: you don't want to find it, you wanna be the one -- >> yeah, being like, "come on, you're being such a kill joy." and he's like, "whoa." and maybe see them when like the medics are there, like holding themselves in blankets. >> seth: uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> you know, because they're like traumatized by what they saw. >> seth: 'cause i don't ever want to see a real dead body. >> yeah. >> seth: or learn how to play racquetball. so, what i wanted to do -- [ laughter ] --was be coming back from racquetball, 'casue there's always like two guys in the early "law and order," when people were still playing racquetball. "oh, and then my wife tell me you play too much raquetball oh, my god." it's like that. [ laughter ] >> i mean, i love the early "law and order" when it was the original detectives, it was chris noth. >> seth: yeah.
>> and it was him and jerry orbach, and when i was in college in new york, and i like, saw chris noth in washington square park, and i like, ran up to him. i felt like his face was prepared for "sex and the city" thing. >> seth: yes. >> and i was like, "oh, my god, you were so amazing when you were the detective on 'law and order.'" and he was like, "that's -- i have not heard that for a while." [ laughter ] >> seth: i remember -- because he is so much more famous for "sex and the city" now. >> yes, yes. >> seth: but it's such a shame. because i feel like those of us who watched "law and order" on a loop. he is an important person in our lives. >> yeah, that's his true greatness. [ laughter ] >> seth: glad we agree. now i'm very happy to hear i have something else in common with you. which is, i hear your mother gives you a lot of notes on how you perform on late night talk shows, or when you get interviewed. >> right. >> seth: and my father used to do that to me. >> what did he say to you? >> seth: he said wanted me to cross one leg, there's a better
leg to cross and not show the sole of your shoe to the audience. >> oh. >> seth: which is a really good one. >> that's a good tip. >> seth: yeah. >> yes. my mother told me i should be more mysterious, and try to lower my voice. [ laughter ] i think she wanted me to seem like i was lauren bacall. >> seth: how do you think that would go? like, what does your mother -- what's she like? >> i think, like, if i was doing this -- >> seth: well, i'll ask you a question too, and then you can give me a mysterious answer. >> okay. >> seth: so you lived in new york a long time? >> for a while. [ laughter ] >> seth: and do you like -- and are you taking to the city? >> it has its points. [ laughter ] >> seth: i don't know. i feel like i'd have to do a lot more work as the host. >> yeah, yeah, right, right, i know. >> seth: that was really good, though. you fell into it pretty quickly. >> no, i'm terrible at it. >> seth: you are also a fan of self-help books. >> oh yes, i am. >> seth: so, when did this -- what do you like about self-help books?
>> i think i started reading self-help books when i was like 7. >> seth: okay. >> i've been into them for a long time. but they're not always -- like sometimes -- when i was like in college and then right after college, there's a whole section of self-help, that's like business self-help. >> seth: sure. >> you know? >> seth: like how to -- a lot of them are being better at business and networking. >> and i'm not in a business. >> seth: right. >> and so there's a book called "getting things done" by a man named david allen. and i like he has two first names. he had this whole like, system of organization where you should like do inbox and outbox for all your papers that come in, to go through your desk. and i had that system set up when i was sleeping on an aero bed in brooklyn. [ laughter ] it was completely unnecessary. [ laughter ] >> seth: not a lot of papers were showing up? >> there were no papers. literally i had no papers. i was a tutor and i was not -- yeah. >> seth: you didn't even have
enough room for a full bed but you had an inbox and an outbox. >> yeah, just in case someone was like, "i need this paper signed immediately!" [ laughter ] and i'd be like, "good thing it just went from my inbox to my out box." [ laughter ] >> seth: you had to be prepared for those moments. >> yeah. thank you so much for being here. such a delight to talk to you. [ cheers ] >> and -- fred! >> seth: you wan to say hi to fred? >> can i say hi? hi! >> fred: hi. hello. >> sorry! >> seth: no, of course. greta gerwig everybody! "mistress america" will be opening this fiday. we'll be right back with tig notaro. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ mother nature can turn in an instant;
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my name is phil zietlow, and i've been an engineer on the cheerios team for 51 years. about five years ago, i found out that if my daughter-in-law, joyce, eats anything with gluten in it she feels pretty darn terrible. so my team and i came up with a way to remove the grains that contain gluten, from the naturally gluten free oats that cheerios are made of. so now joyce and i can have cheerios together anytime we want. and if you love someone with celiac, or gluten sensitivity, you can too. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is comedian and actor whose one-hour comedy special "tig notaro: boyish girl interrupted," airs saturday, august 22nd on hbo. please welcome the very funny tig notaro! ♪ [ applause ]
>> seth: hello friend, how are you? >> i am good. >> seth: this is -- lovely to see you here. we first met on the road. we did a show at university of northern iowa together, we did some standup at a college. >> you think i don't know this? >> seth: okay, i'm just -- >> i am aware, that's why i am here. >> seth: yeah, i know. [ laughter ] i just feel like -- >> we also -- do you remember, it was -- there was a blizzard. >> seth: there was a blizzard, yeah. >> and i flew there. i don't think you made it out. because -- >> seth: made it out after? >> no, the first fly in. >> seth: yes, right, that's true. >> i arrived, i think because i'm not, i wasn't as important in the tv world or anything like that. >> seth: they wouldn't fly in a blizzard with me, because i'm too high value. >> right. exactly. [ laughter ] so i was at an airport hotel. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> not to be bragadocious. [ laughter ] but it was the first night i'm
remembering that i was supposed to appear on "the sarah silverman program", and it was the only thing to do, for me. just, i had -- i was snowed in. and i was waiting for it to air. i got up, went and found a vending machine. >> seth: uh-huh. >> got distracted. forgot. [ laughter ] >> seth: due to the choices? [ laughter ] >> i guess. [ laughter ] >> and i -- it hit me later. i was like, "oh my gosh, i missed --" 'cause i had not really been on tv at that point. and i missed that -- >> seth: because you were in an airport hotel and you were just -- >> picking out candy bars. [ laughter ] >> and the next airing was like 2:00 in the morning, so i had to wait up all night, and then i was finally just like, "i don't even care at this point." [ light laughter ] >> seth: and you have so much
going on right now, you have an hbo special, you have a documentary on netflix right now. >> uh-huh. >> seth: are you handling it all? are you handling how busy you are? >> uhh -- i -- for some reason made a very poor decision in the middle of all this and got a kitten. >> seth: during all this. [ laughter ] >> and right when i need sleep more than ever, there's this little animal jumping all over the bed all night, biting my toes, batting at my hair. >> seth: because it doesn't know you have a lot going on. >> it doesn't know anything. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> it has zero information. >> seth: got you. what did you name your kitten? >> fluff. >> seth: okay that's good. [ laughter ] >> yeah, that's the given name. >> seth: well, i'm sure as fluff gets older, it will appreciate how this was an exciting time for you. >> yeah. and i'm sure she's home watching now. [ laughter ] >> seth: either that or she got
distracted. [ laughter ] >> oh, my gosh. >> seth: you did a fascinating special not even a few years ago, last year? where you went to people's houses. >> uh-huh. >> seth: so you -- explain this quick. you basically just went on tour and offered to perform at anyone's house. what did they have to do, contact you on twitter, is that how it works? that doesn't work, you're not even on twitter. >> not even on twitter. >> seth: how'd they find you? >> well, there was a youtube video that went out. >> seth: gotcha. >> and -- where i was like, "hi, i will come to your house and do a show." and that was sent around the internet. and people sent in videos of themselves and their homes and then we show up. i went with my friend john door, and it is living rooms, barns, basements. >> seth: what's it like walking up to the door of the house of people you never met to do a show in their living room? >> horrifying. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. do you know steve agee? >> seth: yeah, of course. >> steve and i, i think we coined the phrase "diarrhea arrival." >> seth: uh-huh.
[ laughter ] >> just that it's inevitable, that's what happens when you're -- [ audience ohs ] 'cause you're just like, "why, why did we decide to do this?" it all becomes very confusing as you're pulling up. >> seth: you mentioned youtube. a lot of comedians because of youtube, people know them from other parts of the world. have ever been surprised by people that were a fan of yours, that you wouldn't have thought had seen you? >> oh, my gosh. almost every fan for sure is shocking. [ laughter ] actually my girlfriend and i were walking into a package store, just like selling cardboard boxes, and tape, and tubes, things like that. and we had to get something notarized. and it was very private things that we had to have notarized. and we had a discussion before like "oh, my gosh. what if they recognize --?"
and i was like -- "these people are so bizarre at these places. there's no way." and pushed the door open and the girl behind the counter just says, "tig, hi!" [ laughter ] i was walking in with these -- >> seth: and then you had to -- >> --very personal things. and then she said, "oh, i don't -- i'm not the one that notarizes things, it's in this office." and i was like, "for sure the guy in this back office will not have a clue." and we walk in, he's like, "i was just watching your documentary on netflix." [ laughter ] and i was like, "oh, my god." >> seth: like, "i see you have some papers to be notarized." no we're here for cardboard tubes. >> oh my gosh. >> seth: well, congratulations. i hope that all of the notaries soon, every notary will know your name. tig notaro will be known to all notaries. [ applause ] tig notaro, everyone! her on hour comedy special "tig notaro: boyish girl interrupted" airs saturday,